Kids Change Your Birthday
“So what do you want to do for your birthday?” I was putting my son’s toys away when my husband asked me about my “big day”. 27 didn’t seem to be a big deal outside of being infamous for the age of many celebrities’ deaths, but having a day be all about me sure did feel exciting, especially after spending the last year focusing entirely on another, tiny human. This birthday needed to be a good one. Immediately my thoughts ran off to a fantasy land I had dreamed of before. When I was just 16 or 17 years old, I had imagined what my birthdays would look like when I was a grown adult. I had dreamed of the big yacht you see the Kardashians dancing in and the bungalows that Disney actresses occupied for sunny Tuesday afternoons. Now I considered, just for a moment, inviting our closest friends and family to a boat on the local lake with champagne and smoked salmon bagels. But then I remembered we weren’t millionaires, and I never spent any time on the lake anyway.
My mind went onto the next best thing, something more reasonable but still me centered. I had acquired a spa gift card a year ago from a friend but had found zero time to use it for a massage and pedicure. The spa was just twenty minutes away in an uppity part of town that I knew I’d feel luxurious in. “How about this,” I began unraveling my schedule for the big day. “I’d love to go to the gym on my own in the morning after getting to sleep in. I’d use my gift card at the spa for a massage, then I can get my toes done, and then I can go to lunch with my Mom friends.” Jake nodded along, thinking through how he could assist in making this happen. “No Teddy?” He asked, inquiring about where our one year old would be during this time. Jake would be working for the day, but I wanted him to try and make it happen. “For my birthday, could you take him in the morning and get him down for his nap? I’d come back and get him for the afternoon if you’d need.” I asked, really hoping the morning could be just about me. “I’ll figure it out.” My husband told me with a smile.
A few hours passed, and as I folded laundry and washed dishes, I had continued contemplating my plans. The more honest I was with myself, the more I realized I had been projecting what other people had told me made for a great birthday. I was wanting a pedicure for my “me” day, but hadn’t gotten my toes done myself in over a year–since before Teddy was even born! I knew it wasn’t a real want for me. But I still needed to make this about me. After all, I had spent the last twelve months selflessly caring for my needy child. I deserved something nice! “I’ll just do the massage.” I told Jake, and I could tell he was somewhat relieved to hear I wouldn’t be leaving him for too long as he took on the role of single parent.
My birthday eve came around, and my mom called to ask what I would be doing for tomorrow. “I’m supposed to get a massage in the morning.” I told her, and she found my wording to be humorous. “Supposed to? Is someone making you get a massage?” She asked me, chuckling a bit. I felt my heart sink a little, but I wasn’t sure why. “I don’t know mom, I’m supposed to do things for myself on my birthday, right?” She agreed that it needed to be a fun day. “Where will Teddy be?” She asked. “I can go ahead and take him for you if you’d like.” The offer was kind, but even before she had finished making it, I knew what my answer would be. “I don’t really want to be away from him.” I admitted this to her like it was a dirty secret. WIthout hesitation, she said: “Yep! I get it! I was the same way with you kids. Never wanted to be away from you guys!” I felt immense relief at this. “Yeah, I don’t think I want the massage anyway.” I told her. We went ahead and made plans to go out for lunch the next day, as well as partake in some much needed shoe shopping.
Jake brought me coffee the next morning in bed, and he handled Teddy’s breakfast for me. I lounged about the house with him, slowly getting ready when I’d have a free moment here and there. When lunch came around Teddy was strapped into his car seat and we headed out for the day. All day long people “oohed” and “aahed” at him. Having bright blue eyes, a huge smile, and nearly running around already, he really was a sight to behold. When I tried on shoes at Nordstrom, I heard him around the corner chatting it up with every stranger who would take the time to make friends with him. Mom would be following closely behind him as she’d tell him how to pronounce simple greetings like “Hi” and “My name is Teddy.” After about ten minutes of trying on shoes by myself, I saw a group of girls close to my age walking around together. They were dressed in trendy athleisure outfits and were taking their sweet time walking and talking. I glanced down at myself self consciously. I was wearing a cheap shirt with the word “momma” on it in a large, retro font. The shirt had a small milk stain near the bottom of it where Teddy had dropped his bottle. I glanced around and saw no infant of theirs toddling nearby. I might have looked their age, but I felt worlds older than them.
Just then, Teddy rounded the corner closest to me and shrieked when his eyes found me. He charged towards me, arms wide open, and embraced me as I opened myself up to him. I picked him up and he giggled as he was lifted from the ground. I smothered my face into his neck and kissed him on the cheek. He still had a wonderful baby smell to him, even as he neared the toddler age. I put him back down and he took off to explore some more, grandma following of course. My heart must have swelled ten sizes bigger in that moment. He acted like Mr. Independent when he talked to unfamiliar faces, but he still got so excited when he would see me standing in the aisle, like he hadn’t seen me in weeks!
When I was 19 I had imagined a very different birthday plan for my 20s. I would be working in the film industry, meeting celebrities left and right, showing off my personality and talent to anyone who would pay me their attention. I would attend fancy LA parties and visit different countries during different seasons of the year. My 30s could be the time to settle down. The 20s were for me! I would be accountable to no one but myself But things went a different way. I was married young, and was pregnant at 24. Friends worried for us, worried that I was missing out on some really fun, youthful years by having children now. While sometimes I felt exhausted, and wished I was traveling more, I never felt more goodness and joy than when I was with my son and his dad, sitting at home in pajamas and munching on Chik-Fil-A sandwiches.
Teddy was asleep by 8 that evening. My birthday ended with my husband picking up our favorite Thai take out for dinner. We watched a favorite TV show and Jake asked how my day had been. “Was it everything you had hoped for?” I nodded confidently. “Oh, it was the best day ever.” Jake looked surprised at me. “Really? How so?” The image of Teddy’s excited face popped into my head. I couldn’t get over how sweet it was when he ran towards me for a hug after just a few minutes of being apart. “I just love that I get to spend these special days with my baby boy. He’sthe best thing that has ever happened to me–you both are! I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Jake smiled at this, and began clearing the takeout trash before we would head off to bed. 27 looked nothing like I had once imagined. No, it was already worlds better than anything I could have ever dreamed of–yacht or no yacht.
Yours,
Mallory Johnson
