Waiting with the companionship of peace = productivity
At the beginning of writing this I had just gone through my first miscarriage, in early May 2024. Physically and emotionally speaking it was very different than my second miscarriage. The first was a smooth passing and I pressed hard into the Lord and relied heavily on facts and biblical truth. I reminded myself that miscarriage is common—1/4 women will experience a miscarriage. That was comforting; we are not alone in the loss! And of course, remembering that the Lord is my rock and my salvation, was very grounding. In short, the first experience went ‘easy on me’ or that’s how it felt.
The second time, I had actually joined a women’s Bible study over the summer and at the first meeting when introducing myself i was encouraged to share a fun fact and I almost said I was pregnant!?
“What? That’s not even true, is it?! Is this me or the holy spirit?”, I thought to myself.
I bypassed that compulsive thought and shared something safe. A week later I took a test and found out my husband and I were pregnant again! Hallelujah, the waiting is over! The Lord has heard our prayers and sees the desires of our heart, we were thrilled and full of joy. I was amazed by the gift we had received to carry new life so soon. I began reflecting on all the little Holy Spirit nudges and God winks ;) it was a happy day.
Fast forward two and a half months and we’re at the ultrasound appointment. I’m 11 weeks pregnant with an uneasy feeling. So uneasy that I jumped to telling the sonographer that I was afraid I was having a miscarriage so that she would feel less like the bearer of bad news if it came to be true. Perhaps to also softened the blow for all of us? We see sweet baby and quickly notice there was no little blinking light on the screen, indicating there was no heartbeat. Our sweet sonographer asked how I felt and numb and out of touch with myself I said, “good”. A complete lie—I was almost too numb to my reality in that moment to understand anything about how I truly felt. The ride home from that appointment was
t o u g h .
Worship music was on, but I was feeling sorrowful, confused, angry and a new sense of devastation. This deep feeling of loss paired with angst knowing that I had to still pass the fetal tissue was back, and it continued for weeks, until it came to a close as we drove home from the ER on Aug 1st. Earlier that morning, I had been admitted to the hospital by ambulance for passing out at home due to severe blood loss. It was at the hospital that I passed the last of fetal tissue and thankfully that brought a sense of relief physically, and healing emotionally began. I wore a sweatshirt that said “make people feel loved”. And while in the ER, for some reason, that was the sweet reminder I needed to see outside of circumstance. I decided to focus my attention back on my maker and my savior and truly surrender the devastation and the anxiety around ‘waiting’ that I had been carrying; SO THAT I could embrace the goodness that awaited me when the time came. Additionally, I wanted to be sensitive to the spirit to work. I hoped to receive the love poured out on me by my Heavenly Father and be an extension of that outpouring to others despite the hardship. There’s a time for mourning of course, but for all those times where hard feelings lie, there’s a space where freedom awaits to turn the waiting and hard feelings into something GOOD.
I found myself deeply encouraged by the book of Lamentations.
Lamentations 3:25-26
Jeremiah is writing these verses in the midst of the destruction of Jerusalem and its temple. He’s lamenting this huge sorrow.
Waiting is SUCH a struggle, no matter the season. Dr. Seuss even highlights a “waiting” period we all face. In his book “Oh the Places You Will Go”. We read about what he calls the “waiting place” and quickly as the readers can get a sense that we are wasting our time there in “the waiting place”—which we’re all bound to face at one time or another in life.
Our culture (from childhood to adulthood) tells us waiting is unproductive. If we aren’t doing something for ourself or by ourself then we aren’t being productive. Jeremiah, in the middle of his loss and hardship, reminds us that that the waiting is a GOOD thing. It’s when we aren’t doing, that we can remember and know that God is. It’s an opportunity to relinquish control that we innately & desperately desire and simply wait on a GOOD God. Since my second miscarriage I’ve been humbly reminded that I have no control, God has full control. I have no timeline that will go perfectly, but God does. And THANK GRACE & GOODNESS that this is the truth.
The “waiting” is undoubtedly one of the hardest things to do in our Christian walk, but it’s the BEST thing we can do. It’s an opportunity to bask in the Lords goodness, faithfulness and presence, and may we not forget, IN HIS TIMING. The waiting is not useless. Urge yourself to have faith and perhaps take that step of faith in the Lord and trust him! Seek the Lord with full assurance that HE IS GOOD believing that he is working in the midst of your waiting & trials—and it is for your GOOD!!
To be totally honest, I haven’t yet seen the goodness from the those hard events in our life, yet…But I know I will someday. I pray and hope you someday look back on whatever trial or waiting period you feel yourself in currently, and can see that the Lord was brewing such goodness and grace in your life, despite what you felt & were or are, waiting on.
If you’re a mama who has struggled to conceive or carry, know that God sees you. And the sweet babies lost to the brokenness that is this world we live in and the bodies we permeate on this side of heaven—those babies are rejoicing in the presence of their maker waiting for your return home—what a delight. :)
