What Works For Me - A Perspective On Motherhood
Teddy, my one year old son, walked around the living room talking loudly to himself and anyone else who would listen. He shook his hands in the air as he continued his conversation with saliva running down from his lips and onto his chin and neck. My friend’s mother carried on in telling us about her time as a young, stay at home. Her husband had worked in the military while she raised her three children mostly alone on the different bases their family would be stationed at. “I did it almost entirely on my own you know–not like how the moms are doing it today.” She told us, shaking her head at the new generation of mothers. “Oh and it was difficult and terribly lonely at times! But that’s just how we did it then–we did what was best for our children!” “So you never worked or got any help?” I asked her as I watched Teddy closely. He was walking recklessly close to the corner of the coffee table and I was readying my hand to pad where his head might ram into it. She scoffed at the idea. “No, of course not! There wasn’t much work to be done on the base outside of some teaching opportunities, and we couldn’t afford help anyway. But the thing is today, help is just expected.”
It was hard not to hear the resentment in her voice, and this wasn’t unlike the other moms of past generations when I would ask about how they did it back then, though the most bitter venting usually came from the moms who chose to stay at home full time with their kids. A few months prior to hearing this particular mom’s retelling of her harrowing past, I probably would’ve been in agreement with her. I had been desperately trying to convince myself that the only way to raise my kids was to do it entirely on my own, by myself, morning and night. But I also was quickly realizing that quitting my job hadn’t been the most desirable decision, either. I missed the money, joking with coworkers, and having daily or monthly goals for myself. Once my baby had turned six months old, I felt less overwhelmed by motherhood and was finding I was growing exceedingly bored in my day to day. I’d clean the house three times a day, do laundry, and cook meals. But all in all this took no more than two to three hours of my time. I hated sitting on my phone for more than a minute or two, so I would try and fill it with reading. But eventually even the books would feel less important than trying to set financial or personal goals for myself. I considered the Proverbs 31 woman and how she never consumed the “bread of idleness”. But I had never felt more idle in my life, sitting in a clean living room with an infant napping in the other room. I missed having a job.
There’s been a popular trend in social media about the traditional wife and mom, sometimes referred to as “TradContent”. There’s usually a religious spin to it, but the gist of the theme is that women are better when they are at home tending to household chores, children, and their husbands’ emotional and physical needs. The idea is that if we all just got back to traditional ways of family, we would all be better off as a society. Now, everyone knows I’m a cynic. I could sit and talk to pretty much anyone about how the world is worse than ever before and how we are all going to hell in a handbasket. There are few things I love more than being a critic of modern culture. But I’ve struggled more and more in seeing that working moms are the issue.
Throughout history, women have raised children together. All over Colonial America live-in nannies stayed with the children until they were adults, and in English Royalty each generation has had wet nurses, housekeepers, cooks, and sitters to help in the home. Even now in current, tribal cultures, mothers will trade off watching kids while other women tend to the fields or laundry. Even in ancient history, like the mother and wife mentioned in Proverbs 31, women would not only tend to their home, but to plots of land, clothing businesses, and other financial ventures that would increase the quality of life for the family as a whole.
It has become more obvious to me that the tradwife discussed on Instagram and TikTok isn’t that traditional at all. She was a short-lived trend from the 1950s that had made a comeback in recent years. There’s nothing wrong with that of course. If a woman has the desire and financial ability to be at home with her children full time, that seems to me to be a full life for her. But the idea that a mother is being “modern” by choosing to work, is simply false. Working mothers have always existed, and they will continue to be around until the end of time.
The martyrdom of my friend’s mother is commonly expressed by stay at home moms even today. They want everyone to know that they are sacrificing themselves daily, and what they’re doing is entirely an unselfish way of living. But I wonder if this is really a beneficial attitude to have about one’s choices? I understand many women do not feel seen in their journey of motherhood. Mothers are often overlooked for how hard and tasking their job really can be. It’s important to them, and people in general, that they are given recognition for their work. But my sisters’ and I have the saying “you’re not a victim of your own choices”. I want to make decisions with confidence and be content with them. I want to exude joy in how I choose to raise my family–even if that is going to take time as I learn more about myself and my family’s needs.
Mothers at home and mothers in an office should each consider why they have made the choices they have for their families. Making our decisions based on what our own moms did or what TikTok says is cool and better won’t be sustainable, and may even lead to resentment. We all would be better off blocking out all of the hashtags and bitter venting of others. Moving forward with my own choices, I want to consider what works for me and Teddy and my husband. What gives me peace and confidence? What sets my kids up for success? What is best for us as a family? If I can answer these questions honestly, I’d like to think there will be less ranting and more laughing in my future.
Yours,
Mallory Johnson
