Red Flags & Dreamers: A Heart To Heart About Dating
I get it…
I grew up being told to always look for the red flags. Ya know, the Baptistity warnings:
No sex before marriage. Side hugs only. And the, “what’s their relationship like with their parents?” questions.
And hey, shoutout to all the parents that asked those questions and made those warnings. They were the OGs.
But, let’s fast forward to reality. 2024, we are all broken people with crazy pasts and mistakes and memories kind of reality. And what about the green flags? All this red and yellow has me feeling a bit… blue…
But isn’t that the point? Wasn’t the warnings from traditional dating ideas meant to scare us into never having sex, never making those life changing decisions or truly pairing us up with that perfect someone?
Well well well my friend, if that was the case for you, congratulations. You are rare and we crave your success story. No, truly. But, for the rest of us, there’s some serious soul searching we need to do.
What are the expectations we are bringing into dating now, and what parts of traditional dating ideals need to be shot behind the barn?
The reality is, the family structure, trauma statistics and cultural values have shifted over the decades. Every society in history has been subject to such shifts, but it is incredibly worth noting that things like trauma, identity, and pain has created a generation or two in the Church that feels really anxious, unsure and confused when it comes to the modern relationship.
The Church will likely tell you to look to Scripture for wisdom regarding dating. And, they are right. The age old sways and trends of Christian dating are not necessarily worth abandoning or viewing with despise.
So, how do we respect and obey the mandates of scripture regarding purity and God’s design for dating and marriage while also understanding and adapting to the reality that most of us are not virgins, some of us have walked through a divorce, and almost all of us have had pornagraphy consumption, abuse, manipulation or trauma as a part of our story? Are red flags really just for dreamers and the hallmark channel?
You tell me! Oh man, I wish I had the answer to those questions. But, of course I do not.
Because your story, past, the things that shaped you and matter to you most looks different from mine. Each of us, made up of our unique experiences, memories and dreams of what a wholesome and life giving marriage or dating relationship would look like. Or what it could look like again.
But here is what we can remember and take to heart…
Our perception and dictation of the “red flags” need to adapt to the present reality of our world and stories.
Scripture still has the final say, and submitting ourselves to its authority in how to fall in love, or start over still matters.
“Starting over” is not wishful thinking or a Neverland destination. “damaged goods” is not a term associated with the gospel of grace and redemption. Your new story can start right now.
Your expectations have validity, but give yourself freedom and courage to extend grace and openness to the context and journey of the lives of others you may be praying about pursuing.
Hurt people hurt people, but trust always matters. Give yourself the right and ask God for the boldness and strength to walk away from abusive, manipulative or dishonest relationships/marriages.
Give God the honor of being your first and final love. You will never love your spouse or significant other with the grace and goodness of the Lord until your love for God outdoes your love for others.
Take heart. Heal. Learn. And Live.
